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Monday, July 16, 2018

To Begin

I think I’m getting better.

One day, I woke up and physically felt my depression LIFT. Yes, grand pianos came up, off my shoulders, and floated away. I was going to write about my cure.

But that was an illusion.

Facebook kept telling me “People haven’t heard from Our Third Thirds in a while. Add a post.” Only today did I look at the blog and realize I’ve been “gone” for months.

During that time, I’ve struggled through Ginger Bugs and conquered them. I now have ginger beer! That is a victory. I have planted a garden. That is a victory. Tim and I took a trip, saw Shakespeare, redwoods, and the daughter. That was a victory. Nevertheless, I watch Tim as he industriously builds and plasters and sands and paints and rakes topsoil and seeds and waters and mows. I occasionally do a really good job cleaning the bathroom. That is a victory.


I re-read Allie Brosh’s Hyperbole and a Half, trying to remember her cure for depression. She discovered a kernel of corn under the refrigerator, found it hilarious, and her depression broke.

I haven’t found my kernel of corn.

A couple of days ago, I went for a run (despite the knee that isn’t supposed to run any more). I only went two miles, but I could feel my body moving through air. I’m not fast, and it was raining, but I was moving through air. That was a little piece of corn.

I got involved in the World Cup. I remembered players’ names, rooted for underdogs, marveled at physical prowess. To watch the last games at Beartooth Theatre, I had to get up at 5 a.m. That night, I had Ideas. I had to write them down. So many Ideas, I never went to sleep. I was so groggy, I ran into the guy delivering coffee to the audience and spilled coffee all over myself.


Ideas, Ideas, Ideas! Having them is one thing; putting them down on paper and drawing pictures is another. It seems that was the insurmountable hurdle. And yet, and yet….

Here I am! I could do it. Something happened. I could physically pick up a pencil and my sketchbook and … begin. I can make no predictions, draw no conclusions, guarantee no results; at most it’s a cure-ish. But I began. I’m here.

9 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. It's beginning to feel that way. Thank you!

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  2. I think I must be bi-middling, reading your posts on life. I get a bit blue some times followed by inexplicable bouts of happiness. Nothing too frightening nor long; a tad unexciting, really. But then, we all get by, don't we?

    To the good times return, Barbara, and may your blues soon become sky.

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    Replies
    1. Oh, I like that: "may your blues soon become sky." I'll remember that. Thank you!

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  3. So glad you are passing out of that space.....on to more writing and drawing and laughing! Perhaps that dark, damp, dreary spring weather hasn't helped either....I know after a long winter it makes a difference if the sun shines more than not!

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    1. Sometimes I do wonder if it all comes down to weather. But even when it rained, I could always do something creative to rally myself. It's been harrowing to find it impossible to write or draw.

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  4. Wishing you all the best. Please know that we DO miss you. Take very good care of yourself.

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  5. You're inspirational Barbara. Sending you best wishes!

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